Motty from heaven

I fell this should be my War and Peace, my King Lear, my Faust.

I'm not really sure who Brian Viner is I must admit. However I am going to conclude on the basis of this one article, with no further research or effort put in by myself, that Brian Viner is a member of the job's for the boys, don't rock the boat, keep women in the kitchen where they belong club. I made this opinion on the basis of the title and the sub-heading alone. Perhaps this is a little previous of me. Perhaps I ought to give him a chance...

Motson kicks off a long and agreeably well-lubricated lunch at an Italian restaurant just off the Gray's Inn Road in London.

Strike Two?

The very thought of being a fly on the wall at this lunch makes me want to punch someone in the face.

It is the same restaurant, indeed we are at the same table, where in 1996 Motson was wooed by ITV top brass with a view to him succeeding Brian Moore, who had announced his retirement, as ITV's chief football commentator.

At this point I should say something about Motty not being fit to lace Brian Moore's boots, or wipe the spittle off his microphone or something. I must admit however I was never a massive Brian Moore fan at the time. Barry Davies however is another matter entirely.

The book to which he refers is his autobiography, due to be published by Virgin Books in September.

It has taken 4 paragraphs to get to the real reason for this fawning, sychophantic article. We ought to have guessed really. Motty has an autobiography out so he is cosying up to his friends in the business to drum up some publicity for himself. No great crime in itself I suppose but we can do without the creeping articles none the less.

But he [Motson] wants it [the book] to start with the phone call he got in a Manhattan bar in 1994, telling him that Davies would be handed the microphone for the impending World Cup final. He was distraught, and makes no bones about it.

Ah Barry Davies. When football commentators were intelligent, articulate and cared more about the game itself than hearing their own voices, or showing everyone how clever they were.

"I happen to think that it was the right decision, by the way," he adds. "Barry did deserve the World Cup final.

Yes, yes he did. Just a shame the BBC didn't stick with him from then on and spare us years of torture.

But for some unaccountable reason public affection for me grew from that day on.

Utterly, utterly unaccountable. If even Motty himself can't work it out then I'm fucked if I can.

So could it be that next year's World Cup, like none since 1970, will unfold without him? And if so, will the ravens flee the Tower of London?

Please sweet God of love and mercy let it be so.

And Strike 3 for Viner for the Tower of London comment. Twat.

"I don't think I'll be there as a commentator," he says. Would he like to be? "Well, if you ask me, could I do what I did four years ago? Yes I could. I look at Peter O'Sullevan, who did the Grand National when he was 79, and at Richie Benaud

Has no one mentioned to Motty that Peter O'Sullevan and Richie Benaud knew exactly when to shut up, and when something needed to be said they said it. They have distinctive, almost lyrical diction, unique perspectives, and a love and fascination with their sports which they transferred to the audience with an ease and grace. Motson is not fit to be mentioned in the same sentence as those great, great broadcasters and he should not have the arrogance and ego to even compare himself to them.

Let's take the above quote from Motson and compare it to what he said after Euro 2008:

"I am coming to the end of my career, I know that," said Motson. "I'd been thinking about it at the start of the season, but now I've decided I don't want to be tearing around South Africa for the 2010 World Cup at the age of 65. It's physically and mentally challenging."

Changed his mind then? More likely it is still true that it would be too challenging for him but he is too selfish to admit it and let a better, less senile man do it instead.

Let's do another comparison shall we?

Now:

Is he perhaps even better than he was? "I think I am, yeah."

Then:

"Eighteen tournaments is about right for me," he said. "I don't want to go on too long, maybe end up going to South Africa and people say I'm past my best."

So we can add hypocrite to his failings as a commentator. At best it is the inability to keep to his word, or to make a decision and stick to it. I guess the latter is more likely listening to his frequent sitting on the fence, non-commital commentaries.

And I go to an awful lot of football when I'm not working, by the way.

Like all football fans do you mean? You can't possibly be wanting to claim credit for that in all seriousness.

And when I ask whether he is as fired up by football now as he was then, he jumps in before I can reach the end of the question. "Yeah, I am. I prefer to spend my time enthusing about what I saw last week and what I might see next week, than about games I saw years ago. And I'm probably enjoying this season as much as I've enjoyed one for ages."

This is after the entire rest of the article and therefore I presume the "long and agreeably well-lubricated lunch" talking about the long ago past? Do me a favour Motty and cut the crap. Perhaps that is not fair, as I can actually think he may believe what he's saying the old fool.

Oh by the way incase you think I am being a little harsh on him, in Motson's latest commentary he claimed that Robbie Keane was the most complete player in the Premiership. WHAT THE FUCK?! The man is batshit insane my friends.

Piers Morgan, look in the mirror.

Piers Morgan. Anyone who has seen him on screen cannot argue that his arrogance and love of himself is matched only by that of Richard Madeley. So it is quite remarkable that he would lambast Rafa Benitez for being very much the same.

There has always been something very irritating about the Spaniard.

There has always been something very irritating about the self-important moral outrage of a filth-monger like Morgan.

The cheap-looking glasses, hideous patterned ties and ill-fitting suits do nothing to counter the general impression of a middle- ranking bank manager. But the most annoying thing about him is that he could be so much more successful if he just managed to find a few seconds in every day to stop thinking about himself and dwell on his team for a moment.

Wow. Really wow.

Valencia:
La Liga Winner: 2001-02, 2003-04
UEFA Cup Winner: 2003-04

Liverpool:
FA Cup Winner: 2006
UEFA Champions League Winner: 2004-05

What a tale of woe for Rafa. He won the Spanish League with fucking VALENCIA. Twice.

Considering the strength of the Premier League you can make a very good case that Liverpool are the 3rd or 4th best side in Europe. Hardly Rafa's fault that there is a Man Utd dynasty going on and Chelsea have limitless amounts of money.

Oh yes he did win the Champions League with Liverpool. Here's a few names for you: Biscan, Baros, Smicer.

This guy has managed teams that have consistently over-achieved.

Morgan's crowning achievement? Not sure but here's a few select highlights:

Achtung! Surrender headline
Insider trading
Iraqi torture hoax pictures

Benitez has to be the most arrogant manager ever to grace the Premier League...

You just know that he wakes up every morning, struts to the bathroom in his purple Noel Coward smoking jacket, takes a long, hard look at himself in the mirror, and smirks: 'Rafa, you is looking the bizzo today!'

Seriously I don't know he has the balls to write this. You've got to admire the bare faced cheek I suppose. Arrogance and self-love oozing out of Piers Morgan's skin. He really is one of the most irritating pieces of shit ever to float to the top of the showbiz pond. At least there is something genuine about Rafa. He is honest, open and interesting, qualities that Morgan can only dream of having.

Liverpool were cruising at the top of the League at the turn of the year. They looked strong in depth and focused and I genuinely thought, if Gerrard and Torres stayed fit, they might go on and win the title. Then came Dossier Day. The moment that Benitez decided to make it all about himself again.

Fernanado Torres number of Premier League games missed this season: 13

But of course this article is all about Benitez. It is true that Rafa lost the plot with Fergie but I very much doubt that had any effect on his players. Another case of the media blowing something out of all proportion, then presuming that the players are effected by it just because they put it in the papers and then reciting it as gospel fact when it is actually all made up by them.

This season was the closest Liverpool have come to winning the Premier League and they almost certainly blew it when they had it in their hands. Because, at the crucial moment, when the players looked to their manager for the kind of supreme Churchillian 'Let us go forward together' speech that might drive them on to victory, he turned it into the Rafa Benitez show.

No one except you, the media, have made it the "Rafa Benitez show" by continuously writing pointless repetitive articles about a slightly interesting press conference rather than focusing on what is happening on the pitch.

As a football fan it has been about the fact that Torres has not been able to stay fit all season and that there have been quite a few teams prepared to try and to leave Anfield with 0-0. Then we look to Rafa's inability to understand how to play away from home in the Premier League.

Question his decisions in who he picks and the instructions he gives them away from Anfield and I will be right there with you.

Drivelling on about personality and issues outside of the football field and I suggest that you are projecting something of your own awful business onto sport where performance on the field is all that matters.



Twat.

Lawro's predictions

I suppose Mark Lawrenson's prediction column for the BBC should really be our JoeChat. However this is the first time I've blogged on it.

First up a couple of quick Lawro tips.
1. When he doesn't know much about a team he makes a generic statement on them. This week we have:

good side
as good a football team as most
tough act at home
they are not a bad team
great footballing team

2. He never predicts a team to score more than 2 goals. This week:

2-0
2-1
1-1
2-1
0-2
1-1
1-1
0-2
2-0

Anyway let's move on to his first effort this week.

Swansea v Fulham (1245 GMT)
Swansea are as good a football team as most in the Championship. They are in form and won't change the way they play.
Fulham are a good side and quite strong away from home, but I'm going for a home win.

You might think with him being a regular MOTD pundit that he would know quite a bit about Fulham. While his assertion that they are a 'good side' is true if vague, the strong away from home comment isn't entirely accurate. It is in fact completely and wildly inaccurate. Fulham's Premier League away record is better than only Stoke's and WBA's and they have not won any games away from home in the league this season.

That would be a good reason to predict a win for in form Swansea. Except Lawro thinks they are strong away from home but still says they will lose 2-0!
Take that logic!

West Ham v Middlesbrough (1500 GMT)
The Hammers are much improved and Boro don't know where their next win is coming from, so I'm going for a draw!

The use of the exclamation mark suggests that even he realises how stupid his prediction is, and yet he makes it anyway. To write this sentence and expect to be taken seriously as a football pundit you need to be a special kind of person. NOT in a good way.

Portsmouth v Man City (1500 GMT)
Following Harry Redknapp was a very difficult job for Tony Adams at Fratton Park and having to sell their best players - but they were unlucky against Liverpool last weekend.
Man City don't have much of a physical presence up front and have to play on the counter-attack, so Pompey have a chance here.

All kinds of (sic) in the first bit. Unlucky or rubbish? Distin and James had a horror show and in fact Distin has been shocking ever since Adams got the job.
Also surely most teams play on the counter-attack away from home anyway? I would say that having incredibly fast skillful front players against Campbell and Distin is a plus not a minus. What he really should mention is City's horrible away form and if the real City will show up or not.

The message is clear Lawro: stick to what you are good at (making fatuous, unfunny remarks to distract everyone from the fact you haven't got a clue how to put together an interesting or insightful analysis of the game).

The Edge of reason

May I point your attention to this nugget which I picked up via Deadspin. It's an old article but I thought it worth mentioning for one specific moment.
This is the kind of thing that so often gets lost amongst the masses of news stories around North American athletes. I guess that is due to sheer amount of stuff that comes out over there. And certainly very little gets picked up here in the UK of relatively minor stories like this.

Edgerrin James was at this time the running back for the Indianapolis Colts. Basically one of top players on one of the top teams in the NFL.

The way the night owl James saw it, to regain the form that enabled him to lead the NFL in rushing in each of his first two seasons, 1999 and 2000, it was imperative that he work out on his own schedule, peculiar as it might have seemed. So James created Alligator Alley's answer to a 24-hour fitness center. As for his spotters and running partners, he didn't have a lot of options. "At that time of night the crackheads are the only ones awake," James says. "I'd roll down Second Street, find a dude stumbling around and say, 'Yo, come rack my weights.' Other times I'd pay one to run with me." Talk about speed training.

Let us not forget quite how bonkers this is. Imagine that a Premier League footballer came out with this one. We would never hear the end of it.

The killer line, and he actually said this:

"I know it doesn't sound like much but for crackheads, that's two hits and a solid meal."

Not much more to say really. The madness speaks for itself.

Mihir Bose: knows nothing about lots of sports

May I point you to this incredibly interesting article by BBC Sports Editor Mihir Bose on the Olympic shooting venue.

This man is a joke. Summed up better than I could by the second reader comment:

I have a lot to say on this matter. However, I must re-arrange the cutlery in the draw in the kitchen because someone has placed a spoon the wrong way around, so I shall have to return later, if I am not further distracted by paint drying, counting the leaves on a tree or measuring the widths of all my ties and finding the average width.

Not only is the article a complete non-story to 99% of license fee payers but it is factually inaccurate!

Keep it up Mihir. Cricket, Football and the Olympics are the only sports in the world right?

Jeff Powell vs the greedy Premier League

This guy has so much anger inside him he makes me look still and steady.

Even as Ronaldo lurches between disgrace and glory in the space of 24 hours, a small army of lawyers abroad are working ever closer to the reform which will give back our national game to the humbler home-grown English player.

Humbler like Jermaine Pennant? Joey Barton?

The only thing disgraceful about Ronaldo's sending off against City was the refereeing. One yellow for a fair tackle and another for a harmless (although admittedly bizarre) handball.

News of this development, even though it should regenerate the England team as a future World Cup power, will throw the Premier League into frenzied protest.

1. I don't buy all this less foreign players will make us into a World Cup power bullshit. The last World Cup winners were Italy, where a massive number of foreigners play. In terms of talent coming through they are no better than England but they had a winning mentality and great coaching.

2. Journalists everywhere seem to be picking up on this and saying that the Premier League clubs will protest. I am seeing no evidence for this, only presumption. In this article alone we get:

frenzied protest
cause chaos
Furious
panic-stricken defence
consternation
blinkered insularity
indenial (sic)

I give you Jeff Powell: master of subtlety.
Jeff here is a Brazil nut if you fancy... wait a minute Jeff put down the hammer, put it down. OK now step back and use this nutcra... SMASH.
Oh man now I'm going to have to vacuum the living room again. And stop slavering all over my new sofa for God's sake man.

It will also cause chaos among the major clubs, challenging managers such as Arsene Wenger and Rafa Benitez to wean themselves off their dependence on French, Spanish or other foreign imports and start developing young English footballers.
Put a limit on Johnny Foreigner and even Arsene will have to bring on the English.

Burnley v Arsenal Carling Cup:
number of French players in Arsenal staring line-up = 1
number of British players = 6

Arsene knows you know.

I also must point out that 90% of Wenger's 'foreign' players will be eligible for a British passport by the time they get into the first XI anyway.

A decline in Premier League attendances this season - down by an average of almost 1,000 per game - comes as a reminder of the importance of England success to football’s popularity in this country.

WTF? Linking foreigners to lack of success by England team is tenuous at best, then we take another gigantic leap in logic and uncover the dastardly secret that foreigners are responsible for a lack of attendances by proxy? Anyone would think this was an article from the Daily Mail. Rivers of blood, send them back etc.

Fabio Capello’s team are still a work in progress which could use more skilled labour. Not that we want Ronaldo to go home, or even to Madrid, unless he keeps insisting until Sir Alex Ferguson gives in.

Yeah our recent results have been awful haven't they Jeff? Anyway keep Ronaldo cos he's really good but fuck the rest of those spic bastards.

If Enid Blyton were still writing her children’s books, be sure young Cristiano would be one of her Five Go To Old Trafford.

Awful writing there Rowley. Perhaps Blyton is his race relations mentor?

Lawton

You can feel the spittle of righteous indignation all over the screen of the laptop on which James Lawton penned this article:

Keane stands idle as mob rule shrouds stadium of darkness

I know that the headlines are not always written by the author of the article in newspapers but this one is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

The stench of yob anarchy is back on the terraces and the field.

Shock news just in: fans celebrated beating their closest rivals for the first time in over 20 years at home by running on to the corner of the pitch after the game had finished.

It is a time, you might think, for every football man of any genuine stature to take his hands from his eyes and exert some of the influence gained in all the years of growing reputation and wealth. Someone like Roy Keane, certainly, someone to show that for all his own offences against discipline and decent order in his playing career, he knows now he cannot afford to pussyfoot on such a vital issue, not as the manager of a club whose fans had just spilt on to the pitch spitting their hatred.

Keano: I thought it was disgraceful our fans celebrating a victory over Newcastle. I mean they’re shit now anyway innit.

Also it was the Newcastle fans who piled on to the pitch wanting a fight in reaction to Sunderland celebrating (albiet I'm sure with some mocking going on)

Here, surely, was the chance for Keane to confirm his new status as a man of the future, fit to hold the highest office, perhaps at Old Trafford, and maybe even to atone for some of the atrocities of his past, and not least the cold-blooded assertion that he had attempted to ruin the career of an opponent against whom he held a grudge.

Yes if you are to follow in Fergie’s shoes then you must uphold the integrity of the game in the manner which he has demonstrated on so many occasions.

Keane's reaction was so spineless it seemed to underwrite all those years of Clockwork Orange violence that made English football the pariah of world sport.

I somehow doubt that most Sunderland fans listen to Ludwig Van on a regular basis, but tenuous link sort of accepted.

It was a stunning abdication of responsibility and if the Football Association does not see it as an invitation to take some meaningful action, some attempt to lay down significant deterrents before the rabble take hold again, it too will be guilty of the most appaling complacency.

I once knew a Sunderland fan when I was at University who shagged around behind his missuses back. I gave Peter Reid some grief for that the adulterous monkey headed scouse bastard.

Keane may say that he is responsible solely for team affairs but that would be nonsense.

Because as the manager of the team he should be what? Responsible for stadium security or fan behaviour? Give me a break

But this was a test of his mettle as a significant figure in a game to which, as a player, he brought both great glory and disfigurement. What would the achievement of Keane's team in beating Newcastle United, of all teams, have meant if it had accompanied, as it could so easily have been, by the death or maiming of some kid caught in the chaos that came at the end of the game.

Death or maiming? That is laugh out loud crazy. Seriously when was the last time anything resembling death or maiming ever occured due to hooliganism inside a football ground in this country? Hillsbrough and the Bradford Fire weren't even the fans fault. I honestly cannot think of any during my lifetime inside this country, inside a football ground. Of course some evidence by way of investigative journalism would prove me wrong but far be it for a Sports Journalist in this country to do that. Don't let that stand in the way of a good story eh?

Would Keane have kept his head so firmly rooted in the sand then? Would he not have been susceptible to the idea that he was completely out of step with all that had happened so sickeningly around him?

Mentalism. Yeah Keano some little child could have been ripped limb from limb as the baying mob spotted the Sunderland badge on his jacket and their bloodlust got the better of them. Won't you think of the children Keano for the love of God? You sicken me you fucking Ostrich.

When he led a pack of Manchester United players in pursuit of a referee he displayed a shocking lack of control and leadership. After making his spine-chilling, premeditated assault on Alf Inge-Haaland, he wrote in his autobiography that he had experienced not a sliver of regret.

One of my all time favourite football quotes: “The ball was there (I think). An eye for an eye.”

Most football fans I know find Keano's revenge mission on Haaland pretty funny. Is that a telling indictment of our culture? Meh.

What happened at the Stadium of Darkness was that the fans of both Sunderland and Newcastle attempted to establish mob rule. They fought on the pitch after breaking through cordons of police and security men.

Newcastle at last! There was another team involved. I thought I was making it up.
I hate to burst James's bubble here (not really) but security men at football grounds are like shop floor assisstants at PC World. They give the illusion of being able to help but when they have to do something you find they haven't got a clue how to do there job in any detail whatsoever.

Breaking through a line of Stewards is as easy as taking cheap shots at sloppy sports journalism. Hazzah!

The Stadium of Darkness should be closed down for two home games. It would send the right message into every corner of football. It might even make Roy Keane think about the immutable difference between right and wrong.

Well I think Keano would not give a flying fuck as actually Sunderland play at the Stadium of Light.