Motty from heaven

I fell this should be my War and Peace, my King Lear, my Faust.

I'm not really sure who Brian Viner is I must admit. However I am going to conclude on the basis of this one article, with no further research or effort put in by myself, that Brian Viner is a member of the job's for the boys, don't rock the boat, keep women in the kitchen where they belong club. I made this opinion on the basis of the title and the sub-heading alone. Perhaps this is a little previous of me. Perhaps I ought to give him a chance...

Motson kicks off a long and agreeably well-lubricated lunch at an Italian restaurant just off the Gray's Inn Road in London.

Strike Two?

The very thought of being a fly on the wall at this lunch makes me want to punch someone in the face.

It is the same restaurant, indeed we are at the same table, where in 1996 Motson was wooed by ITV top brass with a view to him succeeding Brian Moore, who had announced his retirement, as ITV's chief football commentator.

At this point I should say something about Motty not being fit to lace Brian Moore's boots, or wipe the spittle off his microphone or something. I must admit however I was never a massive Brian Moore fan at the time. Barry Davies however is another matter entirely.

The book to which he refers is his autobiography, due to be published by Virgin Books in September.

It has taken 4 paragraphs to get to the real reason for this fawning, sychophantic article. We ought to have guessed really. Motty has an autobiography out so he is cosying up to his friends in the business to drum up some publicity for himself. No great crime in itself I suppose but we can do without the creeping articles none the less.

But he [Motson] wants it [the book] to start with the phone call he got in a Manhattan bar in 1994, telling him that Davies would be handed the microphone for the impending World Cup final. He was distraught, and makes no bones about it.

Ah Barry Davies. When football commentators were intelligent, articulate and cared more about the game itself than hearing their own voices, or showing everyone how clever they were.

"I happen to think that it was the right decision, by the way," he adds. "Barry did deserve the World Cup final.

Yes, yes he did. Just a shame the BBC didn't stick with him from then on and spare us years of torture.

But for some unaccountable reason public affection for me grew from that day on.

Utterly, utterly unaccountable. If even Motty himself can't work it out then I'm fucked if I can.

So could it be that next year's World Cup, like none since 1970, will unfold without him? And if so, will the ravens flee the Tower of London?

Please sweet God of love and mercy let it be so.

And Strike 3 for Viner for the Tower of London comment. Twat.

"I don't think I'll be there as a commentator," he says. Would he like to be? "Well, if you ask me, could I do what I did four years ago? Yes I could. I look at Peter O'Sullevan, who did the Grand National when he was 79, and at Richie Benaud

Has no one mentioned to Motty that Peter O'Sullevan and Richie Benaud knew exactly when to shut up, and when something needed to be said they said it. They have distinctive, almost lyrical diction, unique perspectives, and a love and fascination with their sports which they transferred to the audience with an ease and grace. Motson is not fit to be mentioned in the same sentence as those great, great broadcasters and he should not have the arrogance and ego to even compare himself to them.

Let's take the above quote from Motson and compare it to what he said after Euro 2008:

"I am coming to the end of my career, I know that," said Motson. "I'd been thinking about it at the start of the season, but now I've decided I don't want to be tearing around South Africa for the 2010 World Cup at the age of 65. It's physically and mentally challenging."

Changed his mind then? More likely it is still true that it would be too challenging for him but he is too selfish to admit it and let a better, less senile man do it instead.

Let's do another comparison shall we?

Now:

Is he perhaps even better than he was? "I think I am, yeah."

Then:

"Eighteen tournaments is about right for me," he said. "I don't want to go on too long, maybe end up going to South Africa and people say I'm past my best."

So we can add hypocrite to his failings as a commentator. At best it is the inability to keep to his word, or to make a decision and stick to it. I guess the latter is more likely listening to his frequent sitting on the fence, non-commital commentaries.

And I go to an awful lot of football when I'm not working, by the way.

Like all football fans do you mean? You can't possibly be wanting to claim credit for that in all seriousness.

And when I ask whether he is as fired up by football now as he was then, he jumps in before I can reach the end of the question. "Yeah, I am. I prefer to spend my time enthusing about what I saw last week and what I might see next week, than about games I saw years ago. And I'm probably enjoying this season as much as I've enjoyed one for ages."

This is after the entire rest of the article and therefore I presume the "long and agreeably well-lubricated lunch" talking about the long ago past? Do me a favour Motty and cut the crap. Perhaps that is not fair, as I can actually think he may believe what he's saying the old fool.

Oh by the way incase you think I am being a little harsh on him, in Motson's latest commentary he claimed that Robbie Keane was the most complete player in the Premiership. WHAT THE FUCK?! The man is batshit insane my friends.

Jumped before you're pushed?

Can it be true?

Almost as unthinkable as a big tournament without England is one without John Motson, but the BBC’s voice of football is considering hanging up his sheepskin jacket before the next World Cup finals.

Unthinkable? Un-fucking-thinkable? Un-motherfucking-thinkable?

My god we'd actually be able to watch a BBC game without continually suppressing the urge to throttle someone/anyone.

Proof that Motson can divorce patriotism from pleasure comes in his choice of favourite tournament: Euro 2000

Thank God he can do that, although I have always been more concerned with his inability to string a sentence together, or keep a coherent thought process without wandering off into a statistical cul-de-sac, or his laughing off mic at appalling Lawro 'jokes', or randomly and infuriatingly raising the tone or volume of his voice when saying a players name when nothing is actually happening, or stating the obvious over and over again.

“Klaus-Jan Huntelaar of Holland is my own favourite for the golden boot. He’s scored so many goals in the Dutch league and I think he’s capable of doing it in a tournament.”

Can you say Miroslav Klose?

Huntelaar = good player. His chances of golden boot would be hampered by the fact he didn't start the last 3 qualifiers or the final 2 warm up games for Euro 2008. And now van Persie is fit as well, and they may not even get out of the group phase. Nice call though Motty.


But I digress. We may be about to be relieved of the great burden of listening to Motty every time an interesting game is on the BBC. It's just a shame he won't take Mark Lawrenson with him.