Thursday, 19 September 2013

Keown on nothing

Martin Keown. I don’t think anyone expected him to sound so articulate once he became a pundit for the BBC, but he has proved to be a well spoken chap despite his rugged playing career. The problem is that although the words come out beautifully, the content is actually the perfect example of BBC ex-pro anti-analysis.

Group F is not an easy draw for Arsenal, with last year’s finalists Borussia Dortmund and  big-spending Napoli both good sides. You feel that they will have to beat Marseille home and away to make sure they get through, so they could probably have done without playing them away from home in the first match. They may struggle without a striker (…)

Firstly, a total lack of any anaylsis of any team from the group except Arsenal. Good sides eh? So glad you wrote that.

Only mentions one non-Arsenal player, and when he does it is as a reference to Arsenal not buying Higuain.

Could have done without playing Marseille away from home? Arsenal having won their last 9 away games, including 2-0 at Bayern Munich in last seasons Champions League.

They may struggle without a striker? Arsenal’s striker Olivier Giroud has scored 5 goals in 6 games. They also have Podolski and Walcott as back up who have fine goalscoring records at the highest level.

Martin now moves on to the strikers to watch in this year’s Champions League. Thanks to the benefit of his exceptional knowledge I now know that Messi/Neymar and Ronaldo/Bale will be quite tasty. So glad you pointed these unknown gems out Martin.

NB. Not his fault but the picture of Zlatan/Cavani actually has Lavezzi/Cavani on it.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Joe Kinnear appoints himself Newcastle Director of Football

Newly self-appointed Newcastle Utd Director of Football Joe Kinnear has thrown up some clearly deluded quotes in a Sky Sports interview. He's confirmed he has joined the club, but the club themselves have been suspiciously quiet and have yet to officially confirm it. Strange situation.

Anyway this is a good time to remember his introductory press conference from his last spell at the club. His opening gambit to the assembled press:

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?
SB Me.
JK You're a cunt.

Back to the present however we get the following:

I've never been a manager of a club that's been relegated

Joe Kinnear was director of football and manager of Luton Town when they were relegated in 2001.

Further to this Kinnear spoke of an "Arab invasion" in the Premier League, as well as calling his new boss David when he is in fact named Derek.

I'm trying to understand the context of the Arab invasion quote. As far as I know the only "Arab" he could be referring to is the owner of Manchester City. A real invasion on a grand scale of 1.

Friday, 14 June 2013

More nonsense from Rowley Birkin QC

Jeff Powell at his best.

Hands up all those who have heard of Razvan Rat, Ricky van Wolfswinkel, Jesus Navas, Modibo Diakite, Guillermo Varela, Aleksandar Tonev, Jose Canas and Fernandinho.

Without any research I can tell you the following

Razvan Rat: Romanian full back, played a lot of Champions League games
van Wolfswinkel: Dutch wunderkid, tall, strong striker Norwich have wanted him all season
Navas: Sevilla RW. Quick as fuck. Played in and won the WORLD CUP FINAL for Spain
Diakite: French CB, tall, strong, played for Lazio
Varela: fair enough
Tonev: fair enough
Canas: fair enough
Fernandinho: been outstanding for Shaktah Donetsk for quite some time, including lots of Champions Leage games. Explosive CM

For example, I won’t even bother to identify the handful of Mr Whos? bought by Fulham.

Like Martin Stekenleberg, with over 50 caps for Holland who also played in the last WORLD CUP FINAL?

Then, onto Cricket:

Now, in this age of political correctness when to call someone a plonker is a crime against his human rights, we have Warner being banned by Australia until next month’s first Test and fined £7,000 for what sounds like a bit of a lark.

Unprovoked assault in a bar? Bit of a lark really!

Jeff Powell, you are a nonsense.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Adrian Durham

Adrian Durham. I’m not 100% sure if he is on the wind-up with everything he ever writes, but I choose to take him at face value to highlight the ridiculousness of his “journalism”.

His thoughts on Mourinho pre Man Utd v Real Madrid:

He once questioned a referee who then got death threats and decided to retire. So much for respect.

When Mourinho joined Chelseain June 2004 he gave a press conference where he claimed he was “a special one”. Later that same month Imran Khan, Pakistani cricketer and politician, and Jemima Khan, daughter of the late Anglo-French billionaire Sir James Goldsmith, announced their divorce.

So much for the sanctity of marriage.

Mourinho has reportedly sent Tito Vilanova his best wishes but, for me, there is something deeply wrong with the amount of celebrating Real Madrid have done in the Barcelona faces after recent victories in El Clasico. Vilanova is in the USA having treatment for cancer.

This bit is beyond parody.

If Real Madrid go through they will have deserved to go through I suppose, but I prefer people who love football to be winners, not people who depend on off-the- field nonsense as part of their tactics. 

Managers who depend on off the field nonsense, like say Alex Ferguson?

Then we move on to Olivier Giroud, Arsenal’s mildly disappointing RVP replacement.

The previous day at Blackburn one of the Football League’s hottest properties right now, 5ft 9in Londoner Dwight Gayle,scored a hat-trick to lift my team Peterborough United off the bottom of the table. It was a perfect hat-trick: the first with his left-foot, the second with his head and the third with his right-foot. 

This hat-trick was scored from a combined distance of about 15 yards. It was decent finishing on good chances in the box.

Gayle, a 22-year-old pacy striker who feels his biggest strength is his finishing, could have been playing for Arsenal. He was with the Gunners as a schoolboy, but released at the age of 12 when the club told him he was too small, that he lacked height and strength

You’d think it’s obvious where this is going, and indeed he does hit us with:

What a shame Arsenal didn’t work hard with a young player and turn him into their first homegrown English star striker to come through under Wenger since... well there hasn’t been one during Wenger’s reign.

Like Wenger can magically invent a striker out of nothing. No credit for Wilshere, Ashley Cole and Gibbs, they aren’t strikers you see. Only strikers count I’m afraid. Also implies there is a limitless amount of young English strikers just waiting around that Wenger just can’t be bothered with. Fact is that the current English crop of young strikers wasn’t available to Wenger because they weren’t born or living near North London.

Then we take a turn for the crazy with the following:

The big clubs in England have a terrible recent record at producing strikers through their academies

He goes on to list players produced including

Danny Welbeck
Daniel Sturridge
Andy Cole
Kevin Campbell
Carlton Cole
Robbie Fowler
Michael Owen
Wayne Rooney
Andy Carroll

Followed by:

The big clubs in England should be ashamed of their poor record of producing strikers. Do academy coaches really know what they’re doing?

So arbitrarily deciding non-strikers don’t count, then producing a list of successful strikers anyway and he still comes to the wrong conclusion!

England’s most capped players currently active were youth products from:

Man Utd
West Ham
West Ham

Summary:He is talking nonsense.

Friday, 1 March 2013

Lawro v Piers Morgan

Mark Lawrenson's latest predictions are against Piers Morgan. Twat.

Not much from Morgan other than some typically bitter pot shots at Ashley Cole, Samir Nasri and Ant & Dec.

Onto a couple of Lawro pearls:

Chelsea v West Brom

226 words before he mentions anything of relevance to this game or anything relating to a possible prediction of the result. The worst of those words include:

The whole situation at Stamford Bridge has turned into a soap opera

I’m fed up of people in sports media writing shit like this. It’s all been created as a figment of the media’s imagination, and when they constantly print lies about what is happening inside the club hiding behind unnamed sources it should not count as a soap opera.

Southampton v QPR
They are definitely due a victory (…)although I know that does sound daft for a team that has only won two out of 27 league games so far this season.

According to Lawro’s league table QPR are in 7th with 13 wins. Sounds daft to me.

Why does this never happen in the UK?

NFL player writes a letter to elected official. Great use of the phrase "lustful cockmonster"

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Motson's glorious career

Sporting Spotlight

Sometimes I need a reminder of why I started this blog. Sometimes the BBC posts a little reminder for me.

BBC football commentator John Motson discusses the best players he has seen,

Could be interesting, but will most likely be nonsense

how football has changed during his career

A looooooong career, so fair enough question

and his favourite Motty impersonators

Wha? A 40 year career and this is the question on everyone’s lips?
Ok, let’s stop being facetious and get into it.

Q: How did you first get into commentating on football?
A: I was lucky 

And we were not.

Q: Which match stands out in your memory as the best one you have seen?

Bare in mind the tens of thousands of games this man has seen. He has commentated on some truly great games of football. Euro 1984 France 3-2 Portugal AET is in the sidebar on the same page as this Q & A, so that is a candidate. The world’s greatest players performing at levels of skill beyond that of normal players in the biggest games of their careers. Spain 4-3 Yugoslavia at Euro 2000 maybe?

A: Hereford's 2-1 FA Cup win against Newcastle in 1972 is one which helped develop my career because it came up in the year's trial I had at Match of the Day. Nobody saw the result coming.

1. Seems to be answering a different question than the one asked.
2. Making it all about him when he has been simply asked which is the best game.

One of his great failings as a commentator is the need to get his stat in, to make it the Motty show. Everyone loves a good Motty stat so let’s make it about me again lads.

Later in my career, it would have to be England beating Germany 5-1 in Munich in a World Cup qualifier in 2001 when Sven-Goran Eriksson had just taken over as manager. We went there to play our oldest rivals and Michael Owen got a hat-trick.

Great for an Englishman, but it was only a qualifying game, and both teams qualified anyway. The standard of football played wasn’t all that either. Typical jingoistic Motson rubbish.

Q: Who is the best player you have ever seen?

Let me first list some acceptable answers to this question, baring in mind his commentary career started in 1972.

Ronaldo (either of them)

But really I think you should narrow that down to Maradona/Messi/Zidane. Anyway his answer…

The best English player I saw was Paul Gascoigne.

Not the question, but an acceptable answer to a different question I suppose. Why would you answer this question by first saying who the best player of your own nationality was? It’s absurd in the extreme.

I would go for Eric Cantona as the best overseas player. He changed the history of Manchester United. I have to mention Thierry Henry at Arsenal too.

Seriously, why won’t he answer the question that has been asked of him? Has it been written down incorrectly on the web page? The best player you have seen is not any of these men, and let me openly state I have a deep and meaningful love for Arsenal’s record goalscorer beyond what might be termed socially acceptable. Best Premier league players was not the question you fool. Also thanks for reminding us who Henry played for, really needed that.

I need to write this out again because it is so insane it's the only way it will sink in:

John Motson thinks that Eric Cantona is better than Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi, Ronaldo and Zinadine Zidane.

NB. Thierry Henry is so much better than Eric Cantona it's not even funny.

Q: How much has football changed since you started out?

A: It was fun in the way that winning was not what it is today. 

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Erm, the English language is on line five John. Seriously, parse that fuckers!
I can't for the life of me work out what he was supposed to mean here.

Q: If you could take one aspect out of today's football, what would it be?
A: The laws of the game have stood the test of time and do not need much tampering with but to make it more entertaining and clear I think the offside rule needs clarifying. It has become far too complicated and it is much harder for the assistant referees.

Diving, match-fixing, PED use, racism. No, the fucking offside law is too complicated for poor John Motson cos he can't work out what is happening, although that's no suprise considering he can't at the best of times like when a player has the ball in the centre circle and Motson suddenly screams his name out as if he has beaten 5 men and is about to slam it in the top corner...

And breathe.

Q: Have you ever been shown how Twitter works?

Oh god. I don't know what to say to this. Just to picture Motson's face even trying to open a laptop gives me hysterical fits of laughter.

Gary Lineker asked me this last summer and I told him I have no interest in it whatsoever. I am too busy to even think about it. I am not on Facebook either and I don't do email.

No interest is learning anything new thank you very much. Can't see the point in it, too busy looking up stats in my log book of games I keep on parchment, lovingly hand written by candle-light with a swan's feather quill. There's not a better way yet been invented that I am aware of.

Also, I read this as if he wouldn't even listen to what twitter is. It's not that he doesn't like the idea, it's that he won't even listen to anyone who wants to explain to him what it actually is. Like he has no interest at all with anything on a computer, no matter what it is.

My life is very simple, it is controlled completely on a mobile phone with my texting.

Listen to your mobile phone overlord, for it rules all others. I know your wife wants to go for a nice Valentine's meal, but just think, what does your phone say?

I like to think that Motty's wife has to text him to come out of the study for his tea, because he will no longer respond to human interactions.


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