Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Motty's back


John Motson answers question on twitter! Let's quote Motty from a previous post in this blog:

Q: Have you ever been shown how Twitter works?

Gary Lineker asked me this last summer and I told him I have no interest in it whatsoever. I am too busy to even think about it. I am not on Facebook either and I don't do email. My life is very simple, it is controlled completely on a mobile phone with my texting.

Given the above how likely is it that John Motson tweeted the following: 

Hi everybody, John Motson here, ready to answer your questions. Use and I'll answer the best ones. 

Two hashtags. How likely is it that John Motson knows what a hashtag is? I'm sure he's seen the symbol before because it's on a mobile phone keypad which of course controls his every move.

But I am going to presume that he is being asked them by some FA intern who’s job it is to select the questions and ask them to Motty before replying on his behalf. Even so Motty displays an incredible lack of understanding when replying to the questions asked of him.


Who is the best player you have commentated on?
I'll give you three - Cantona, who transformed Man Utd, Henry who was fantastic for Arsenal, and the mercurial Ronaldo.

Again we’ll revisit a previous Motty quote:

I would go for Eric Cantona as the best overseas player. He changed the history of Manchester United. I have to mention Thierry Henry at Arsenal too.

So he’s added (Cristiano?) Ronaldo since last time at least. But again Cantona and Henry are both subjectively and objectively ridiculous calls. And also Ronaldo isn't mercurial, he's a incredibly consistent goal machine.

who are your favourite up and coming commentators at the moment?
I admire Clive Tyldesley greatly, but BBC tradition of commentators is in good hands with Steve Wilson, Guy Mowbray and JP.

Clive Tyldesley is 60 years old. Steve Wilson (47), Guy Mowbray (42) and Jonathon Pearce (54) aren’t exactly up and coming either.

This is my favourite though:

What, in your opinion, is the finest FA Cup final goal ever scored?
Gerrard v West Ham in 2006 and Lawrie Sanchez in 1988 spring to mind, but the best visual goal has to be Keith Houchen's in 1987.

Firstly can someone explain to me what the difference is between a normal or visual goal? He’s implying that some goals are perceived only by a sense of smell or sound? They are so sublime they can’t be seen?
I can understand the first two choices in terms of what they meant in the game, and the significance of the Wimbledon victory was huge at the time even though it was a basic header from a corner. Gerrard’s goal was a last minute screamer to take it to extra time, so fair enough, but Keith Houchen’s goal was a header from 4 yards out to equalise after 60 minutes. I can accept his personal opinion of liking a goal, but to call this the finest ever visual goal in the FA Cup Final is nuts.

But we knew that anyway.
 


As a final aside the picture that accompanies the article:


Reminds me of this:






Look at his hands, palms flat on the keyboard! Who would sit at a laptop like that? He also looks slightly terrified, I think because he is doing everything he can to not look at the screen, even out of the corner of his eye, just in case he sees how twitter works.

 

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Keown on nothing


Martin Keown. I don’t think anyone expected him to sound so articulate once he became a pundit for the BBC, but he has proved to be a well spoken chap despite his rugged playing career. The problem is that although the words come out beautifully, the content is actually the perfect example of BBC ex-pro anti-analysis.



Group F is not an easy draw for Arsenal, with last year’s finalists Borussia Dortmund and  big-spending Napoli both good sides. You feel that they will have to beat Marseille home and away to make sure they get through, so they could probably have done without playing them away from home in the first match. They may struggle without a striker (…)



Firstly, a total lack of any anaylsis of any team from the group except Arsenal. Good sides eh? So glad you wrote that.

Only mentions one non-Arsenal player, and when he does it is as a reference to Arsenal not buying Higuain.

Could have done without playing Marseille away from home? Arsenal having won their last 9 away games, including 2-0 at Bayern Munich in last seasons Champions League.

They may struggle without a striker? Arsenal’s striker Olivier Giroud has scored 5 goals in 6 games. They also have Podolski and Walcott as back up who have fine goalscoring records at the highest level.



Martin now moves on to the strikers to watch in this year’s Champions League. Thanks to the benefit of his exceptional knowledge I now know that Messi/Neymar and Ronaldo/Bale will be quite tasty. So glad you pointed these unknown gems out Martin.



NB. Not his fault but the picture of Zlatan/Cavani actually has Lavezzi/Cavani on it.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Joe Kinnear appoints himself Newcastle Director of Football

Newly self-appointed Newcastle Utd Director of Football Joe Kinnear has thrown up some clearly deluded quotes in a Sky Sports interview. He's confirmed he has joined the club, but the club themselves have been suspiciously quiet and have yet to officially confirm it. Strange situation.

Anyway this is a good time to remember his introductory press conference from his last spell at the club. His opening gambit to the assembled press:

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?
SB Me.
JK You're a cunt.

Back to the present however we get the following:

I've never been a manager of a club that's been relegated

Joe Kinnear was director of football and manager of Luton Town when they were relegated in 2001.

Further to this Kinnear spoke of an "Arab invasion" in the Premier League, as well as calling his new boss David when he is in fact named Derek.

I'm trying to understand the context of the Arab invasion quote. As far as I know the only "Arab" he could be referring to is the owner of Manchester City. A real invasion on a grand scale of 1.

Friday, 14 June 2013

More nonsense from Rowley Birkin QC

 
Jeff Powell at his best.

Hands up all those who have heard of Razvan Rat, Ricky van Wolfswinkel, Jesus Navas, Modibo Diakite, Guillermo Varela, Aleksandar Tonev, Jose Canas and Fernandinho.

Without any research I can tell you the following

Razvan Rat: Romanian full back, played a lot of Champions League games
van Wolfswinkel: Dutch wunderkid, tall, strong striker Norwich have wanted him all season
Navas: Sevilla RW. Quick as fuck. Played in and won the WORLD CUP FINAL for Spain
Diakite: French CB, tall, strong, played for Lazio
Varela: fair enough
Tonev: fair enough
Canas: fair enough
Fernandinho: been outstanding for Shaktah Donetsk for quite some time, including lots of Champions Leage games. Explosive CM

For example, I won’t even bother to identify the handful of Mr Whos? bought by Fulham.

Like Martin Stekenleberg, with over 50 caps for Holland who also played in the last WORLD CUP FINAL?

Then, onto Cricket:

Now, in this age of political correctness when to call someone a plonker is a crime against his human rights, we have Warner being banned by Australia until next month’s first Test and fined £7,000 for what sounds like a bit of a lark.

Unprovoked assault in a bar? Bit of a lark really!

Jeff Powell, you are a nonsense.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Adrian Durham


Adrian Durham. I’m not 100% sure if he is on the wind-up with everything he ever writes, but I choose to take him at face value to highlight the ridiculousness of his “journalism”.

His thoughts on Mourinho pre Man Utd v Real Madrid:

He once questioned a referee who then got death threats and decided to retire. So much for respect.

When Mourinho joined Chelseain June 2004 he gave a press conference where he claimed he was “a special one”. Later that same month Imran Khan, Pakistani cricketer and politician, and Jemima Khan, daughter of the late Anglo-French billionaire Sir James Goldsmith, announced their divorce.

So much for the sanctity of marriage.

Mourinho has reportedly sent Tito Vilanova his best wishes but, for me, there is something deeply wrong with the amount of celebrating Real Madrid have done in the Barcelona faces after recent victories in El Clasico. Vilanova is in the USA having treatment for cancer.

This bit is beyond parody.

If Real Madrid go through they will have deserved to go through I suppose, but I prefer people who love football to be winners, not people who depend on off-the- field nonsense as part of their tactics. 

Managers who depend on off the field nonsense, like say Alex Ferguson?

Then we move on to Olivier Giroud, Arsenal’s mildly disappointing RVP replacement.

The previous day at Blackburn one of the Football League’s hottest properties right now, 5ft 9in Londoner Dwight Gayle,scored a hat-trick to lift my team Peterborough United off the bottom of the table. It was a perfect hat-trick: the first with his left-foot, the second with his head and the third with his right-foot. 


This hat-trick was scored from a combined distance of about 15 yards. It was decent finishing on good chances in the box.

Gayle, a 22-year-old pacy striker who feels his biggest strength is his finishing, could have been playing for Arsenal. He was with the Gunners as a schoolboy, but released at the age of 12 when the club told him he was too small, that he lacked height and strength


You’d think it’s obvious where this is going, and indeed he does hit us with:

What a shame Arsenal didn’t work hard with a young player and turn him into their first homegrown English star striker to come through under Wenger since... well there hasn’t been one during Wenger’s reign.

Like Wenger can magically invent a striker out of nothing. No credit for Wilshere, Ashley Cole and Gibbs, they aren’t strikers you see. Only strikers count I’m afraid. Also implies there is a limitless amount of young English strikers just waiting around that Wenger just can’t be bothered with. Fact is that the current English crop of young strikers wasn’t available to Wenger because they weren’t born or living near North London.


Then we take a turn for the crazy with the following:

The big clubs in England have a terrible recent record at producing strikers through their academies

He goes on to list players produced including

Danny Welbeck
Daniel Sturridge
Andy Cole
Kevin Campbell
Carlton Cole
Robbie Fowler
Michael Owen
Wayne Rooney
Andy Carroll

Followed by:

The big clubs in England should be ashamed of their poor record of producing strikers. Do academy coaches really know what they’re doing?

So arbitrarily deciding non-strikers don’t count, then producing a list of successful strikers anyway and he still comes to the wrong conclusion!

England’s most capped players currently active were youth products from:

Man Utd
Liverpool
Arsenal
West Ham
Liverpool
West Ham
Everton
Chelsea

Summary:He is talking nonsense.

Friday, 1 March 2013

Lawro v Piers Morgan

Mark Lawrenson's latest predictions are against Piers Morgan. Twat.

Not much from Morgan other than some typically bitter pot shots at Ashley Cole, Samir Nasri and Ant & Dec.

Onto a couple of Lawro pearls:


Chelsea v West Brom

226 words before he mentions anything of relevance to this game or anything relating to a possible prediction of the result. The worst of those words include:

The whole situation at Stamford Bridge has turned into a soap opera

I’m fed up of people in sports media writing shit like this. It’s all been created as a figment of the media’s imagination, and when they constantly print lies about what is happening inside the club hiding behind unnamed sources it should not count as a soap opera.

Southampton v QPR
They are definitely due a victory (…)although I know that does sound daft for a team that has only won two out of 27 league games so far this season.

According to Lawro’s league table QPR are in 7th with 13 wins. Sounds daft to me.

Why does this never happen in the UK?

NFL player writes a letter to elected official. Great use of the phrase "lustful cockmonster"

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