Piers Morgan is a ...

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Sorry, Arsene, but you can't win title with these kids

You may or may not guess my opinion of the author of this article at some point during my analysis of it.

My name is Piers.

Twat

I'm an Arsenal season-ticket holder and I'm officially depressed.

Twat

What the hell is happening to my club?

It is supported by a twating twat for starters.
Also not much is happening as Arsenal are pretty much at the same level they have been for the last 7 or 8 years give or take the odd perfect storm of players coming good together at the right time.

I watched us struggling to beat the staggeringly ordinary FC Twente on Wednesday night and felt so frustrated I nearly switched over to Big Brother. (Only nearly, mind. We'd have to be losing 39-0 for me to do that, and even then I'd need to be manacled to a chair with my eyes stapled to the screen.)

Piers hates Big Brother! He’s one of us! Actually if we give it a few weeks of low web traffic for Morgan’s column don’t be surprised if he completely changes his mind and decides he loves BB after all as long as it keeps him in a job.

But even that performance was preferable to the dismally pedestrian effort against West Bromwich yesterday. I watched it alone in a Paris pub and felt more inspired by the women's Olympic superheavyweight weightlifting competition on another TV (I've always been strangely attracted to girls who can clean and jerk 186 kilos).

Not bad enough though to turn over to Britain’s Got Talent?

Arsene knows,they say, but not this time: Arsenal's lack of signings will condemn us to another potless season It seems almost impossible to believe this is the same Arsenal who went an entire Premiership unbeaten in 2004. I remember that achievement rather well, because it came the day after I was fired as editor of the Mirror.

Why was that again Piers? Publishing lies I believe?

At half-time in that historic game against Leicester, we were losing 1-0, the away fans began serenading us with chants of 'Invincibles - my a***' and my phone pulsated with gleeful texts of the 'When it rains, it pours' variety.

What kind of insufferable twat would you have to be for people to send you those kind of messages at half time… oh.

Three weeks previously, I'd enjoyed an even more unforgettable experience when we won the League at White Hart Lane. Me and my dad were guests of Sir Alan Sugar, who did a runner at the end faster than Wayne Rooney with a Big Mac voucher. By 8pm, the Spurs boardroom was empty, apart from us.

Rooney + Big Mac = comedy gold

Arsenal have won precisely nothing since then. Not even a Carling bloody Cup.

No?

for the first time since Wenger took over, I have absolutely no expectation that we will win anything. We didn't last year, and since then we've lost Alexander Hleb (our best technical player), Mathieu Flamini (who ran our midfield) and Gilberto Silva (who ran it when Flamini wasn't playing).

Nasri has already scored half the amount of goals that Hleb got last year (2). Also didn’t Cesc Fabregas run the midfield last season? Also fucking Gilberto Silva ran the midfield? Ran it where? Into the middle of nowhere?

In their places we've signed Samir Nasri (who's good but will take a season to adapt), Aaron Ramsey (just 16 League matches ever) and some injury-prone bloke from Werder Bremen that nobody's ever heard of. Eduardo and Tomas Rosicky are still crocked, Abou Diaby's out for a month, Cesc Fabregas's hamstring is playing up and Robin van Persie's only ever three games away from doing his leg in again. So our squad's got weaker, while Chelsea, United and Liverpool have got stronger.

Ok Flamini is yet to be replaced but Nasri > Hleb and Ramsey > Gilberto Silva. And the transfer window isn’t shut yet.

And as Jose Mourinho rightly says (not a phrase I ever thought I'd write), we're just too young. The 17-man Invincibles squad had a combined age of 480. The 17 equivalent players in this season's Arsenal squad - excluding Rosicky and Eduardo - have a combined age of just 389.

Yes Champion’s League, UEFA Cup and 2 x Premier League winner Jose Mourinho is pretty much always wrong isn’t he?
The 17 equivalent players excluding these 2 who I’ve randomly decided shouldn’t be included is compelling evidence. The 2004 squad included Keown, Cygan, Lehmann and Ray Parlour. Bar Lehmann all old players who were not that important really.

That's a difference of 91 years. Now, I'm all for a bit of youth, but this is ridiculous. At the risk of sounding Hansen-esque, you can't beat billionairefinanced, money's-no-object clubs with kids, however talented they are. Arsenal will doubtless delight and dazzle again this season, in the scintillating attacking style that Wenger loves so much.

You can’t just say that. Where is your frame of reference to prove that this even matters. Lazy, lazy sweeping generalisation and poor journalism.

Oh, and while you're at it, Arsene, buy Usain Bolt and stick him on the wing. At least, unlike Theo Walcott, he knows where's he going.

Twat.