Motty's back

John Motson answers question on twitter! Let's quote Motty from a previous post in this blog:

Q: Have you ever been shown how Twitter works?

Gary Lineker asked me this last summer and I told him I have no interest in it whatsoever. I am too busy to even think about it. I am not on Facebook either and I don't do email. My life is very simple, it is controlled completely on a mobile phone with my texting.

Given the above how likely is it that John Motson tweeted the following: 

Hi everybody, John Motson here, ready to answer your #FACup questions. Use #AskMotty and I'll answer the best ones. 

Two hashtags. How likely is it that John Motson knows what a hashtag is? I'm sure he's seen the symbol before because it's on a mobile phone keypad which of course controls his every move.

But I am going to presume that he is being asked them by some FA intern who’s job it is to select the questions and ask them to Motty before replying on his behalf. Even so Motty displays an incredible lack of understanding when replying to the questions asked of him.

Who is the best player you have commentated on?

I'll give you three - Cantona, who transformed Man Utd, Henry who was fantastic for Arsenal, and the mercurial Ronaldo.

Again we’ll revisit a previous Motty quote:

I would go for Eric Cantona as the best overseas player. He changed the history of Manchester United. I have to mention Thierry Henry at Arsenal too.

So he’s added (Cristiano?) Ronaldo since last time at least. But again Cantona and Henry are both subjectively and objectively ridiculous calls. And also Ronaldo isn't mercurial, he's a incredibly consistent goal machine.

who are your favourite up and coming commentators at the moment?

I admire Clive Tyldesley greatly, but BBC tradition of commentators is in good hands with Steve Wilson, Guy Mowbray and JP.

Clive Tyldesley is 60 years old. Steve Wilson (47), Guy Mowbray (42) and Jonathon Pearce (54) aren’t exactly up and coming either.

This is my favourite though:

What, in your opinion, is the finest FA Cup final goal ever scored?

Gerrard v West Ham in 2006 and Lawrie Sanchez in 1988 spring to mind, but the best visual goal has to be Keith Houchen's in 1987.

Firstly can someone explain to me what the difference is between a normal or visual goal? He’s implying that some goals are perceived only by a sense of smell or sound? They are so sublime they can’t be seen?

I can understand the first two choices in terms of what they meant in the game, and the significance of the Wimbledon victory was huge at the time even though it was a basic header from a corner. Gerrard’s goal was a last minute screamer to take it to extra time, so fair enough, but Keith Houchen’s goal was a header from 4 yards out to equalise after 60 minutes. I can accept his personal opinion of liking a goal, but to call this the finest ever visual goal in the FA Cup Final is nuts.

But we knew that anyway.

 

As a final aside the picture that accompanies the article:

Reminds me of this:

Look at his hands, palms flat on the keyboard! Who would sit at a laptop like that? He also looks slightly terrified, I think because he is doing everything he can to not look at the screen, even out of the corner of his eye, just in case he sees how twitter works.

 

Motson's glorious career

Sporting Spotlight

Sometimes I need a reminder of why I started this blog. Sometimes the BBC posts a little reminder for me.

BBC football commentator John Motson discusses the best players he has seen,

Could be interesting, but will most likely be nonsense

how football has changed during his career

A looooooong career, so fair enough question

and his favourite Motty impersonators

Wha? A 40 year career and this is the question on everyone’s lips?

Ok, let’s stop being facetious and get into it.

Q: How did you first get into commentating on football?
A: I was lucky 

And we were not.

Q: Which match stands out in your memory as the best one you have seen?

Bare in mind the tens of thousands of games this man has seen. He has commentated on some truly great games of football. Euro 1984 France 3-2 Portugal AET is in the sidebar on the same page as this Q & A, so that is a candidate. The world’s greatest players performing at levels of skill beyond that of normal players in the biggest games of their careers. Spain 4-3 Yugoslavia at Euro 2000 maybe?

A: Hereford's 2-1 FA Cup win against Newcastle in 1972 is one which helped develop my career because it came up in the year's trial I had at Match of the Day. Nobody saw the result coming.

1. Seems to be answering a different question than the one asked.
2. Making it all about him when he has been simply asked which is the best game.

One of his great failings as a commentator is the need to get his stat in, to make it the Motty show. Everyone loves a good Motty stat so let’s make it about me again lads.

Later in my career, it would have to be England beating Germany 5-1 in Munich in a World Cup qualifier in 2001 when Sven-Goran Eriksson had just taken over as manager. We went there to play our oldest rivals and Michael Owen got a hat-trick.

Great for an Englishman, but it was only a qualifying game, and both teams qualified anyway. The standard of football played wasn’t all that either. Typical jingoistic Motson rubbish.

Q: Who is the best player you have ever seen?

Let me first list some acceptable answers to this question, baring in mind his commentary career started in 1972.

Cruyff

Maradona

Platini

Baggio

Matthaus

Ronaldo (either of them)

Zidane

Messi

But really I think you should narrow that down to Maradona/Messi/Zidane. Anyway his answer…

The best English player I saw was Paul Gascoigne.

Not the question, but an acceptable answer to a different question I suppose. Why would you answer this question by first saying who the best player of your own nationality was? It’s absurd in the extreme.

I would go for Eric Cantona as the best overseas player. He changed the history of Manchester United. I have to mention Thierry Henry at Arsenal too.

Seriously, why won’t he answer the question that has been asked of him? Has it been written down incorrectly on the web page? The best player you have seen is not any of these men, and let me openly state I have a deep and meaningful love for Arsenal’s record goalscorer beyond what might be termed socially acceptable. Best Premier league players was not the question you fool. Also thanks for reminding us who Henry played for, really needed that.

I need to write this out again because it is so insane it's the only way it will sink in:

John Motson thinks that Eric Cantona is better than Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi, Ronaldo and Zinadine Zidane.

NB. Thierry Henry is so much better than Eric Cantona it's not even funny.

Q: How much has football changed since you started out?
A: It was fun in the way that winning was not what it is today. 

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Erm, the English language is on line five John. Seriously, parse that fuckers!
I can't for the life of me work out what he was supposed to mean here.

Q: If you could take one aspect out of today's football, what would it be?
A: The laws of the game have stood the test of time and do not need much tampering with but to make it more entertaining and clear I think the offside rule needs clarifying. It has become far too complicated and it is much harder for the assistant referees.

Diving, match-fixing, PED use, racism. No, the fucking offside law is too complicated for poor John Motson cos he can't work out what is happening, although that's no suprise considering he can't at the best of times like when a player has the ball in the centre circle and Motson suddenly screams his name out as if he has beaten 5 men and is about to slam it in the top corner...

And breathe.

Q: Have you ever been shown how Twitter works?

Oh god. I don't know what to say to this. Just to picture Motson's face even trying to open a laptop gives me hysterical fits of laughter.

Gary Lineker asked me this last summer and I told him I have no interest in it whatsoever. I am too busy to even think about it. I am not on Facebook either and I don't do email.

No interest is learning anything new thank you very much. Can't see the point in it, too busy looking up stats in my log book of games I keep on parchment, lovingly hand written by candle-light with a swan's feather quill. There's not a better way yet been invented that I am aware of.

Also, I read this as if he wouldn't even listen to what twitter is. It's not that he doesn't like the idea, it's that he won't even listen to anyone who wants to explain to him what it actually is. Like he has no interest at all with anything on a computer, no matter what it is.


My life is very simple, it is controlled completely on a mobile phone with my texting.

Listen to your mobile phone overlord, for it rules all others. I know your wife wants to go for a nice Valentine's meal, but just think, what does your phone say?

I like to think that Motty's wife has to text him to come out of the study for his tea, because he will no longer respond to human interactions.

Fin. 

Motty from heaven

I fell this should be my War and Peace, my King Lear, my Faust.

I'm not really sure who Brian Viner is I must admit. However I am going to conclude on the basis of this one article, with no further research or effort put in by myself, that Brian Viner is a member of the job's for the boys, don't rock the boat, keep women in the kitchen where they belong club. I made this opinion on the basis of the title and the sub-heading alone. Perhaps this is a little previous of me. Perhaps I ought to give him a chance...

Motson kicks off a long and agreeably well-lubricated lunch at an Italian restaurant just off the Gray's Inn Road in London.

Strike Two?

The very thought of being a fly on the wall at this lunch makes me want to punch someone in the face.

It is the same restaurant, indeed we are at the same table, where in 1996 Motson was wooed by ITV top brass with a view to him succeeding Brian Moore, who had announced his retirement, as ITV's chief football commentator.

At this point I should say something about Motty not being fit to lace Brian Moore's boots, or wipe the spittle off his microphone or something. I must admit however I was never a massive Brian Moore fan at the time. Barry Davies however is another matter entirely.

The book to which he refers is his autobiography, due to be published by Virgin Books in September.

It has taken 4 paragraphs to get to the real reason for this fawning, sychophantic article. We ought to have guessed really. Motty has an autobiography out so he is cosying up to his friends in the business to drum up some publicity for himself. No great crime in itself I suppose but we can do without the creeping articles none the less.

But he [Motson] wants it [the book] to start with the phone call he got in a Manhattan bar in 1994, telling him that Davies would be handed the microphone for the impending World Cup final. He was distraught, and makes no bones about it.

Ah Barry Davies. When football commentators were intelligent, articulate and cared more about the game itself than hearing their own voices, or showing everyone how clever they were.

"I happen to think that it was the right decision, by the way," he adds. "Barry did deserve the World Cup final.

Yes, yes he did. Just a shame the BBC didn't stick with him from then on and spare us years of torture.

But for some unaccountable reason public affection for me grew from that day on.

Utterly, utterly unaccountable. If even Motty himself can't work it out then I'm fucked if I can.

So could it be that next year's World Cup, like none since 1970, will unfold without him? And if so, will the ravens flee the Tower of London?

Please sweet God of love and mercy let it be so.

And Strike 3 for Viner for the Tower of London comment. Twat.

"I don't think I'll be there as a commentator," he says. Would he like to be? "Well, if you ask me, could I do what I did four years ago? Yes I could. I look at Peter O'Sullevan, who did the Grand National when he was 79, and at Richie Benaud

Has no one mentioned to Motty that Peter O'Sullevan and Richie Benaud knew exactly when to shut up, and when something needed to be said they said it. They have distinctive, almost lyrical diction, unique perspectives, and a love and fascination with their sports which they transferred to the audience with an ease and grace. Motson is not fit to be mentioned in the same sentence as those great, great broadcasters and he should not have the arrogance and ego to even compare himself to them.

Let's take the above quote from Motson and compare it to what he said after Euro 2008:

"I am coming to the end of my career, I know that," said Motson. "I'd been thinking about it at the start of the season, but now I've decided I don't want to be tearing around South Africa for the 2010 World Cup at the age of 65. It's physically and mentally challenging."

Changed his mind then? More likely it is still true that it would be too challenging for him but he is too selfish to admit it and let a better, less senile man do it instead.

Let's do another comparison shall we?

Now:

Is he perhaps even better than he was? "I think I am, yeah."

Then:

"Eighteen tournaments is about right for me," he said. "I don't want to go on too long, maybe end up going to South Africa and people say I'm past my best."

So we can add hypocrite to his failings as a commentator. At best it is the inability to keep to his word, or to make a decision and stick to it. I guess the latter is more likely listening to his frequent sitting on the fence, non-commital commentaries.

And I go to an awful lot of football when I'm not working, by the way.

Like all football fans do you mean? You can't possibly be wanting to claim credit for that in all seriousness.

And when I ask whether he is as fired up by football now as he was then, he jumps in before I can reach the end of the question. "Yeah, I am. I prefer to spend my time enthusing about what I saw last week and what I might see next week, than about games I saw years ago. And I'm probably enjoying this season as much as I've enjoyed one for ages."

This is after the entire rest of the article and therefore I presume the "long and agreeably well-lubricated lunch" talking about the long ago past? Do me a favour Motty and cut the crap. Perhaps that is not fair, as I can actually think he may believe what he's saying the old fool.

Oh by the way incase you think I am being a little harsh on him, in Motson's latest commentary he claimed that Robbie Keane was the most complete player in the Premiership. WHAT THE FUCK?! The man is batshit insane my friends.

End of the Motson Era?

So, the time has come at last.


My favourite Motson moments from Euro 2008?

In one of the Holland games we got this classic:

Robben sets up RVP and Motty states 'A goal made in Chelsea and finished by Arsenal'
Arjen Robben of Real Madrid may not agree with that, especially as he has been there for the entirety of the 2007/08 season.

And

'If you're coming in late, let me refresh your memories'
Which is exactly the kind of garbage he talks on a regular basis

Also props to his awful co-commentator Mark Lawrenson for this one in the final:

‘That's a contradiction in terms an angry Lehman’

Well no actually that is the opposite of what it is.
This statement hurt my head so much I was forced to look up tautology via google

Anyway back to Motty:

"I am coming to the end of my career, I know that," said Motson.

Maybe he’s had so much horrible ‘fan’ mail that he has realised his time is up. Didn’t send any of by the way, honest.

Motson will continue to commentate on Match of the Day and Radio 5 Live

I KNEW it was too good to be true. He isn’t going anywhere. What are the odds the BBC still wheel him out for EVERY big game from now until the end of time?

In total, Motson has covered six World Cup finals as well as his 34 FA Cup finals (29 finals and five replays), and more than 200 England matches.

Those years of aural abuse have taken there toll on me. I am now medically almost 90% deaf to all sports commentary.

Still, outbursts like "it's Arsenal 0, Everton 1, and the longer it stays like that, the more you've got to fancy Everton," and "for those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip," added to Motson's charm rather than detracted from it.

BBC Sport propaganda departments says: all the utter nonsense he has come out with over the years only makes him more beloved.
I say: good riddance and take your verbal diarrhoea with you.

That was underlined in 2004, when he was named the Royal Television Society's Sports Commentator of the Year, receiving the same honour from Four Four Two in 2005 and from The Variety Club in 2006.

In an unrelated story the 1997 Academy Award for best picture goes to Titanic and not LA Confidential.

"Younger reporters and commentators depend on club websites and the like," he said. "I'm of an older generation. I haven't changed my system since 1971 and I couldn't adjust now - I'm too old.

Didn’t you just know that Motty hated the internet. It ruined his enjoyment of statistics. Now everyone has access to them and he can’t make them up on the spot anymore without being called on it.



Look I don't hate John Motson (though that may be difficult to believe) but his commentary has ruined my enjoyment of BBC football for too long now. I am glad he is taking some sort of semi-retirement so that I can enjoy listening to Jonathan Pearce and the likes from now on.


As a final comment on this let's go back to my previous post where Motson predict Huntelaar for top scorer:
Jan Klaas Huntelaar
Games started in Euro 2008 = 1
Goals scored = 1

Jumped before you're pushed?

Can it be true?

Almost as unthinkable as a big tournament without England is one without John Motson, but the BBC’s voice of football is considering hanging up his sheepskin jacket before the next World Cup finals.

Unthinkable? Un-fucking-thinkable? Un-motherfucking-thinkable?

My god we'd actually be able to watch a BBC game without continually suppressing the urge to throttle someone/anyone.

Proof that Motson can divorce patriotism from pleasure comes in his choice of favourite tournament: Euro 2000

Thank God he can do that, although I have always been more concerned with his inability to string a sentence together, or keep a coherent thought process without wandering off into a statistical cul-de-sac, or his laughing off mic at appalling Lawro 'jokes', or randomly and infuriatingly raising the tone or volume of his voice when saying a players name when nothing is actually happening, or stating the obvious over and over again.

“Klaus-Jan Huntelaar of Holland is my own favourite for the golden boot. He’s scored so many goals in the Dutch league and I think he’s capable of doing it in a tournament.”

Can you say Miroslav Klose?

Huntelaar = good player. His chances of golden boot would be hampered by the fact he didn't start the last 3 qualifiers or the final 2 warm up games for Euro 2008. And now van Persie is fit as well, and they may not even get out of the group phase. Nice call though Motty.


But I digress. We may be about to be relieved of the great burden of listening to Motty every time an interesting game is on the BBC. It's just a shame he won't take Mark Lawrenson with him.

Welcome...

to firejohnmotson.

For our first ever post a few details of the purpose of this blog:

The title would seem to imply that this blog will be about BBC football commentator John Motson. Well it will be at times but the main reason behind starting the blog is for me to address what I feel are the low standards of sports commentating and writing in the UK. Motson is a figurehead as he is the worst commentator out there and the highest profile.

Most of the posts will probably consist of me ranting and raving about shocking sports journalism.

Yes this is unashamedly inspired by the original FJM: firejoemorgan.com as well as football365's great Mediawatch column. Unlike the authors there I am not a writer by trade although I do work within the sports industry in the UK.

Enjoy